Good morning my lovelies – Kindling week is upon us once more.

Thanks for all the love on my non-fiction pieces! I have more in the pipeline just waiting to be published for you. If you would like to have them emailed to you when I publish them, you can update opt-in to that list by clicking here.

This week’s piece came to mind trying to imagine an awkward situation that could occur if you didn’t know your neighbours.

Let me know what you think!

We’d been invited over ages ago. The guy was obsessed with my wife. Every time she left the house she seemed to ‘bump’ into him. I trusted Lor, she wasn’t the one I was concerned about. Her stories always began, ‘Hen, you’ll never guess who I ran into again,’ like I was going to be shocked.

On one such run in, he’d supposedly invited both of us around for a barbecue with his wife. Probably wanted to size me up. I couldn’t say I didn’t want to do the same. And now here we were, standing on the doorstep with a box of beers and a salad, making nice. I was here for Lor. She wouldn’t stop lamenting about how she wished ours was one of those neighbourhoods that knew each other. That we weren’t having each other over for dinners and borrowing gardening tools. It sounded painful, but I supposed if we were going to have children soon it would be nice to know who the local babysitters were.

The door opened and a small woman greeted us with a smile so big her lips didn’t know what shape to make around it. The apron around her waist was spotless, the dress underneath expensive – looked similar to one Lor had. This guy had a type. Figures.

‘Lorraine? Henry?’ She looked at each of us respectively and nodded, proud to have remembered our names. ‘Mary,’ she put a hand to her chest. ‘So nice to finally meet you. Austin has been talking you up! Come in, come in.’

She turned her back and I rolled my eyes at Lor. Not that she saw – she was already over the threshold, following Mary in a trance.

I heard her compliment the house. ‘I love your mouldings!’ I rolled my eyes to myself and shut the door behind me.

Their house was nicer than ours. The decor boasted an exceptional eye, and the photos portrayed unfettered joy.

‘Oh, shoes off if you don’t mind!’ Mary poked her head around the corner.

‘Right, yes. Sorry, should’ve asked!’ Easy breezy. I’m an easy-going guy. I’d need a few beers before I relaxed.

I followed the women’s voices to the open kitchen and living area. They were laughing politely about something. Probably how pathetic Mary’s husband was.

‘There you are, babe. Thought I lost you for a second!’

‘No, no. Can’t get rid of me that easy.’ Lor gave me a look. She continued.

‘This is Austin, the—‘

‘The one who so kindly extended the invitation,’ he interrupted. Austin held out his hand before properly looking at me. I felt my face flush and hoped it wasn’t as visible as it felt. We’d met before.

‘Appreciate it. Nice to meet you.’ I shook his hand before he could retract it.

Austin looked between my wife and me. My body language must’ve been a dead giveaway. He connected the dots quickly and made a look that implied that what he’d found was more than a little interesting.

‘What do you do for a living, Henry?’ Mary asked.

‘I’m a builder. Commercial jobs mostly. Usually council stuff.’ She handed me a bottle opener and I pretended to get absorbed by the intricacies of opening a box of beers.

Lor chipped in, ‘You’re a cop, hey, Austin?’ He smirked and I pretended not to see his sideways glance.

‘Yes. Yeah, I am. Going on 8 years now.’

I popped the top off my beer and drank deeply. I only felt worse.

I’d been at the pub to watch the Blues versus the Hurricanes game over a burger and a beer. A few of the guys were there and a friendly pool was running on the final score. I’d been the only one to predict a Blues win and won a couple hundred bucks for my dumb luck.

A couple more rounds and I hadn’t noticed how quickly it was approaching ten o’clock. Lor and I were meant to Skype her grandmother in the UK at ten thirty and it had completely slipped my mind.

In the car I’d been texting Lor my ETA when a cop pulled out from nowhere me and flicked their lights on. I pulled aside to let them pass but they’d followed me onto the thin shoulder.

‘The reason I’ve pulled you over today is for reckless driving. Judging by the way you weren’t looking at the road I also assume you’ve been texting and driving. If you could please count to ten for me?’ He’d thrust a device through my window. I’d counted.

‘Have you been drinking tonight?’

‘I had a couple with dinner down at McLaden’s.’ The cop’s face showed no emotion.

‘That’s reading as inconclusive. Driver’s licence?’ I’d passed it to him. ‘Wait here.’

‘I’m running late, mate. Can this wait? I’m sober as they come. I’m not even slurring.’

‘It won’t take more than five minutes.’ I’d made a face. The guy thought he was so hard behind that uniform. I’d had a few to drink, but I was safe about it.

He returned with a breathalyser and his expressionless mask still intact.

‘Blow into this for ten seconds for me. Keep blowing, keep blowing, keep blowing.’ I’d blown too hard and then had to pretend I hadn’t felt dizzy afterwards.

‘Okay, it’s reading two forty-two. Eight micrograms under the limit.’

‘I told you I wasn’t bloody drunk, you wanker. Cops.’ I’d scoffed. ‘Always think you know best, eh? Are we done here? Can I go?’

‘I’m just going to run a couple more things in the system and then you can be on your way. Thank you for your cooperation, I appreciate you’re running late so this won’t take much longer.’ I’d watched him walk back to his car in the rearview mirror.

‘Pig.’

After a long few minutes he’d sauntered back to my car. ‘All right, that’s all I’ll need tonight. Stay safe on the road and no more drinks if you’re planning on driving.’

‘Stuff off, prick.’ I’d indicated, flipped him off and driven away. In my anger I’d forgotten to be relieved I wasn’t over the limit.

I hadn’t told Lor about the run in with the cop. If I didn’t play my cards right, she was about to find out.

We made small talk about the neighbourhood and what we’d all done for Christmas. I kept switching between drinking as little as possible and as quickly as I could. I wasn’t driving. I could stumble home without breaking any laws, but I didn’t want to see the look of satisfaction on Officer Austin’s face when I did it. I’m not an alkie, I enjoy a good beer as much as the next guy.

I polished off my third beer as we sat down for dinner and Lor asked if I was all right. I smiled while I opened another and told her I was just tired from work.

‘So, Henry, tell me – why do you look so familiar? We haven’t met before, have we?’

Prick. ‘Well, you do live next door, so you’ve probably seen me around!’ The women laughed.

‘I suppose so. I don’t know— I haven’t pulled you over or something recently, have I?’ Lor looked between Austin and me.

‘I think I would know if Hen had been pulled over!’ Lor said smiling, looking at Mary for reassurance. Mary was watching me.

‘Would you tell her if you got pulled over?’ Mary’s look reminded me of Austin’s the day he pulled me over. Unreadable.

‘Yeah, of course. I tell her everything.’

‘I must be mistaken then.’ He held up his hands in mock surrender. ‘It’s a lucky thing you don’t have to drive home tonight. Better men than us have risked a drive home after four beers.’ He gestured to my beer as I pulled it from my lips. I swallowed.

‘Am I under arrest, officer?’

‘Not tonight,’ he laughed and sipped his wine.

‘Friggin’ feels like it,’ I said under my breath. Nobody filled the silence that followed. The sound of cutlery quickly gave way to thank yous and goodbyes. Only Mary and Lor said we must do this again. I poured the rest of my beer down the sink and collected my mostly full box. Austin and Mary stood at their door to wave us goodbye.

‘Stay safe!’ Austin’s voice echoed after us like the lord himself had spoken.

‘Did you get pulled over, Hen?’ Lor didn’t look at me as she felt in her bag for the house key.

‘No.’